Black Widow and the Spider Wars

So one day Top Cat and the Jammer are unloading bucket after bucket of dusty hand tools (mostly screwdrivers and wrenches) from the truck when they discover this little guy chilling in one particularly crusty bin.

It's a fucking Black Widow spider. I kid you not. At first I thought it was just another false alarm, like when Racing Thoughts Simpson mistakes every bug for a Brown Recluse Spider. But, sure enough, there was the telltale red hourglass shape on the abdomen. After spending half an hour rounding old Spidey up and getting him (or her) into a jar with air holes poked into the lid and some fake plant matter for it crawl on, the rest of the day was spent hunting live bugs and flies for it to eat.

When Top Cat captured another, non Black Widow spider, it was thrown into the arena and thus began Spider Wars.

Surprisingly, the Black Widow was defeated and killed pretty early in the competition. Still, it was fun having a lethal arachnid as a pet for a week or so.

It can be a little hard to see in these photos, what with the glass distortion and the spider spending its time clinging to the lid, but I promise you that is a black widow.

Fountain of Yay-Yeah!

This is what we do with our work day. We take a broken fountain, fix the pump (it usually just needs some new tubing), add some rocks, and throw in an action figure or two, dump a cup of water in there, and  -ta-da- you have a tranquil scene of an ogre peeing his pants. 

Old School Video Camera

No, I'm not talking about Hi8, or regular 8mm, or even that strange VHS-C thing that had a mini-cassette that you then had to put into a larger cassette adapter. I'm not even talking about the full on VHS 1/2" cassette holding camera. I'm taking this one way back to the days when the video camera was a whole separate unit from the recorder, which was like a giant machine you had to carry on a bag strapped around your shoulder. If you are under the age of 30, you probably don't even remember these monsters. Well a recent donation is here to take us back...

It's the Panasonic Newvicon Omnipro Color Video Camera PK-957. From 1983. The only things missing are the microphone, a rhinestone glove, a baby-on-board sign, and  your trapper-keeper. 

Then, not a fortnight later did we get this donation...

It's another non-recording video camera. This time from Hitachi.

6 Years without a non-recording consumer video camera from the 80s and then, wham, back-to-back.

Hot Plug-In : Cold Beer

Another good plug-in coming at you. Cold Beer. These night-lights are making me thirsty.

Mace in your Face

And now we conclude this lengthy exploration of the Junk Store arsenal with a recent contribution that has tremendous potential to go horribly awry:

Yup. As if live ammunition wasn't terrifying enough, some smart person decided to include a half-used canister of pepper spray in with their donation of keychains, pins, and buttons. Mother fucking 10% Pepper Spray. And the Jammer was brave (or stupid) enough to give it a test sprits. Well done, people. Well done.

Full Metal Jacket

This is where things REALLY start to get all messed up. Live ammo. I shit you not, live ammo. What kind of disturbed individual donates hundreds of new bullets. How could this not end in a Junk Pirate or two getting shot?

We got your 9mm and 380 Autos. Plenty for everybody. 

A teacher could use this for an art project.

I know I like to joke about all the crazy donations coming into the Junk Store, but this one goes a little to far. I mean, bullet shells are cool, but live ammo?!? Are you people nuts?!?

Keepin' It Real

These guns may look real to you, me, and the cops, but I can assure you they are just toys... fucked up toys. The little metal cowboy revolver is a childhood classic, but these other two are good enough to get you rich quick or die trying.

This bulky blaster actually has one of those neon red tips that somebody (wasn't me, I promise) painted black. It even has a chamber that opens with fake plastic bullets when you really want to trick the cops into using deadly force.

Now this guy is just awesome. It is just a straight-up water gun. Other than the trigger and the little plastic cap that covers where you fill it, there are no moving parts. Yet, this is probably the most realistic gun in the entire Junk Store Arsenal. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Check out all the amazing and fucked-up things I see in the donations to the Junk Store where I work. 

Death by Crossbow

Here's something you can do on a rainy day. With just a bit of carved wood, a steel slat, a screw or two, some durable rope, a plastic trigger, and a heart of pure malicious darkness, you can launch sharpened pencils at your coworker's eyeballs. 

This thing actually launches pens and pencils with great velocity and haphazard wildness.

wild wild west

A couple of old school revolvers. And then the 21st century equivalent. Real steel with these, so you may not be able to riddle somebody with bullets with these guns, you can still feel safe knowing that you could bludgeon somebody with them.

It is the Future... the Year 2000

The weapons of the future. P-tew. P-tew.

Bang, Bang, Squirt, Squirt

A couple of clear water pistols. You fill these with cat pee and you have serious stopping power.

Brightly Colored Water Pistols (and a cap gun)

I always thought: wouldn't be a fucked up thing to manufacture a real, bullet-shooting gun that is painted in bright neon orange and green to make it look like a water gun.

Sharpshootin'

An interesting side note: the Shadowy Borg (aka the board of directors) actually decreed that we must keep all toy guns stashed away as it is Junk Store policy to not sell toy weapons to kids (even water pistols). Don't worry, young lads, you're just a few years away from being able to buy a real gun.

That takes us to two of the better recent weapon donations. In the same week we received a working pump-action bb gun rifle (oh, that was a fun couple of days), and a not working but visually stunning bb shotgun. God bless America.

Flog Blog

This one is actually from the Junk Pirate Archives and was sold for $40 to some mild mannered nerdy guy shortly after this image was taken. We've gotten more whips donated than you would think probable, but this flogger was one of the best.

The Sword

Not very sharp, and the handle has a tendency to fall off in the heat of battle, but a solid piece of steel for defending the loading dock from barbarians, rival junk pirates, and lurking can collectors.

Sling It

We've been lucky enough to get a couple of slingshots donated throughout the years here at the Junk Store, some even of professional grade. The broken windows of the abandoned building across the street can attest to this. But this one was worthy of photo...

We're talking David and Goliath shit here, folks. Actually, as a slingshot it isn't very good, but it will be sure to gain you some Ren-Fair respect hanging out of your backpack like an Elvish Dennis the Menace.

Cuttin' it up!

We'll mix things up for today's installment of "weapons to play with" and take a look in the toy blade department. We have a Rambo knife, a mini ninja sword, another tiny Rambo knife, and a big fake psycho killer kitchen knife. I left out all the larger medieval swords and Conan stuff, but you can rest assured that we are hoarding those too. I'm shocked that we still haven't procured any fake ninja stars. Although most of these things get played with and thrashed before I can even get a photo of them.

Extra props going to this guy. A brass knuckles water pistol. Nice.

Busta cap in yo ass.

Not bad. This cap-gun portion of the Arsenal has got just about everything you'll need for when the zombies come. You've got your colt, your saturday night special, a shotgun, a sub-machine gun, and even some fancy civil-war-era thing. 

Bonus points going out to the one on the lower left for being from the days when they made cap guns look like real guns. Not even a orange tip on that thing. It's made of steel, too. 

Click-Click... BLAM!

Why not start the year off right with a week full of potential simulated violence by delving into the heaping contents of the Junk Store Armory stash. All this week I'll be revealing some of the hoarded toy weapons (and maybe even a few real ones) that have come in over the past year. So sit back, crack a cold one, put some mellow music on the hi-fi, and prepare for war!

You can check in on other "weapons" postings right here, although I think there has only been one other one so far.

Our first look is at a cache of wooden guns that shoot rubber bands. Most use a simple clothesline pin as a release, but that one on the lower left has a nifty trigger mechanism. Watch your eyes.