Hans 2014

It's post number 500 for the Tales from the Junk Store blog! And what better way to celebrate than by partying with our old friend Hans. When we last checked in with Hans, he was hoarding ladies' undergarments over by the water cooler. But now I can't seem to find him anywhere.

Wait. Look up.

There's Hans. That rascal somehow got up on top of the sorting room rolling door and is now perched like a gargoyle on PCP. I see he still is sporting those leather chaps. Looks like his collection of donated underwear is going strong, too.

M500 Polaroid ID Camera

Now here's something someone other than me could probably do something interesting with...

The Polaroid M500 ID Camera. It comes in a monstrously bulky case with desktop mount, two packs of expired 669 film, and some other metal crap, and a lot of wasted space filled with foam.

Just plug this behemoth into an outlet (or more likely an extension cord because the power cable attached to the camera is only 10 inches long), load up some of that awesome Polaroid film where you have to peel the two sheets apart, and it's time for some action. 

The most unique part is that you can take 4 instant photos on one piece of film. You can set it to take four of the same picture, two pictures of two, or four different pictures. It also has a flash and even a primitive exposure setting system. 

Here, Hans agreed to model so we can demonstrate just how gorgeous these photos can be:

Hans 2012

Let's take a moment to check in on our good buddy Hans, the creepy Junk Store plush-mannequin.

There he is. Hoarding panties over by the water cooler.
And it looks like he has made a kitty friend.

I highly recommend you take a comprehensive look at the many shades of Hans (featuring a special appearance by the Cyclops).

The Cyclops

Before there was Hans, before there was Robotron, before there was Nuetron, there was The Cyclops.

Know your one-eyed roots!

Hans' Fresh New Look

Maybe Hans heard some of our criticism because he has decided to bust out a whole new look...

It's fresh. It's youthful. I see he is still sporting those leather chaps, though.

And it looks like he is wearing a brand new pair of Nike SB P-Rod Signature Sneakers! 

Swell, the Junk Store mannequin is sporting more expensive footwear (with better arch support) than I am.

The Further Adventures of Hans

It has been a little while since we checked in on our old buddy Hans. It looks like he is getting in to the baseball season with a new Yankees cap. And maybe he is going on a trip or something cuz his bag is packed.

Come to think of it, I think Hans' look is getting kind of stale...

worn only once - in 1990

Unlike music instruments (see my last post), wigs, weaves, and toupees aren't nearly as rare of a donation as you would expect, or hope. I guess an artist or teacher could use it for something, particularly a bald artist or teacher.

Along those lines, here is one of my recent favorites. The note that was taped to the packaging is in itself a great item for Tales From the Junk Store.

Cost over $500!?! You got ripped off!

And here is our old buddy Hans sampling the goods for us. Looking sharp, Hans.

The Return of Hans

Hans is back? No, Hans never left. He simply donned a homemade Zodiak helmet, climbed the ladder and posted up on top of the collapsed white boxes like a big stuffed gargoyle killer, ready to tumble onto your neck when you were just trying to take down that extra box of audio cassettes.

 

Then Hans took his reign of Sorting Room terror to a new level by kidnapping an innocent girl-doll while sporting this frightening monster mask. That was a gnarly morning.

Currently Hans is going with the "mad scientist" look, complete with spooky grey streaked hair, surgical gown, test tubes, and an evil mustache/goatee combo.What persona will Hans take on next? Stay tuned.

Get Belted with the PowerBelt!

As promised, today we will take a closer look at that amazing belt Hans was wearing in the last blog... it's the Powerbelt.

There it is. While it was clear at a glance that this was some sort of gimmicky exercise product, the Jammer and I fumbled with it for hours before just giving up and strapping it onto Hans. After some extensive internet research, I now realize that Hans is wearing his Powerbelt backwards. Your supposed to have those gizmos in the back, and then you grab the handles and pull the resistance ripcords while you run like cranked-up marionette. 

My internet research was further complicated by the fact that "powerbelt" is also a type of firearm ammunition.

You can get all kinds of Powerbelt info, testimonials, videos, and your chance to win your own Powerbelt at the official website here: Maximum Walking Fitness. 

The many faces of Hans

So I walk into work one morning, head to the sorting area, and nearly shit my pants when I turn on the lights to see this guy all up in my face...

Actually, he was holding one of those realistic looking water pistols. Well, after our shocking introduction, I came to be pretty good friends with this life-sized pillowy mannequin that I named Hans (although he goes by many other nicknames).

Hans is always willing (or unable to prevent) to be dressed up and accessorized with anything we're able to pluck from the donation heap. Here he is in an outfit I like to call "Busking-Patriotic-Frankenstein". Notice the leather chaps and the power-belt. More on the power-belt coming soon.

Hans gets some painting done with his fruit-picker. Always looking dapper in his fancy hat and festive birdman mask.

Getting folksy. I'm just now noticing that Hans is still rocking that green shirt.

Hans' latest incarnation is that of Darth Pantsless. Stay tuned right here at Tales From the Junk Store for more fashion updates.