Junk Pirate News

I just realized this blog is over 1 year old now! Awesome.
With over 125 posts! Hot damn.
Please keep the comments coming. Or don't. I like them but really I do this for me.
Just for the hell of it here is a photo of the Heap from the Junk Pirate Archives:

In other news, the 2nd Junk Pirate Art Exhibition has been confirmed! It will be in Oakland (venue to be announced later) in March 2010. Here's a photo from the last show in late 2006:

Heat Zone

The first skateboard I ever owned was a Nash Heat Zone. Just like this one that was recently donated, except mine was neon pink and didn't have the rails or a tail block or anything. Man, that was a crappy skateboard, but I was pretty psyched to get it for my birthday back when I was 8 or 9. I never really rode it that much and didn't actually learn skate until I got a street deck when I was 15 or so. Still, in the unlikely event that I'm being interviewed in a skating context and somebody asks me about my first skateboard, I'm gonna have to tell the truth: "Heat Zone".

What's a good Euphemism for "Dildo"...

The fact that an arts and educational non-profit resale store can amass this collection of dildos, vibrators, and other unmentionables from their daily donations is just all sorts of fucked.  And this doesn't even include the vintage vibrators that at least have the decency to look less like a penis and more like a giant power drills that strap to your hands. 

M.U.S.C.L.E. Men

Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. Tiny, 2" wrestling monster figurines in molded pink PVC gum, based on some Japanese anime or something. I really liked these things when I was 8 years old, and here they are again. My favorite was this little mohawk dude I called "Little Joe":

And apparently they were also available in other colors, although I only remember the pink ones.

I also really liked the M.U.S.C.L.E. Nintendo game. One of the better wrestling games out at the time.

You can get more info on these guys on wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.U.S.C.L.E.

or this video will answer all your questions:

Roid Rage 7: the final Roid, Colorburst 100

Again, this isn't technically a Polaroid, but your mom technically isn't a whore because I don't pay her anything. 

Oh yeah. The Kodak Colorburst 100. This camera doesn't have a flash built in so you had to mount one on top like this guy:

And I'm sorry about calling your mom a whore. It's just that all these Polaroid camera posts were making me a bit nutty. 

Roid Rage 6: Land Camera

Land Camera. No pictures of water or sky allowed.

This one is a Polaroid 640 Land Camera. Hang in there, only one more to go.

Roid Rage 5: One Step Express

Next up:

In case the Polaroid One Step was just a little to slow for you, we have the aerodynamic Polaroid One Step Express. These came in a bunch of sporty colors, like gray and blue, gray and black, all gray, and (as seen here) the gray and green.

Roid Rage 4: One Step x 2

Double trouble with two (2) different Polaroid One Steps.

One Step forward, two steps back.

Roid Rage 3: Spectra SE

The Polaroid Spectra System SE

From the manual:

"When you press the shutter button, sonar waves (at frequencies beyond our range of hearing) are sent to the central part of the scene. A built-in computer measures the time it takes the sonar waves to reach the scene and the echo to return. This measurement is used to provide the correct lens setting."

Sonar? Now you talkin' science.

Roid Rage 2: Kodak Trimprint 920

This one, technically, isn't even a Polaroid. I don't care, I'm posting it anyways.

The Kodak Trimprint 920 (formerly known as the Champ Kodamatic). 

Roid Rage 1, Let There Be Roids

Every day this week I'm going to reveal another addition to our ever-growing collection of Polaroid cameras. Sure, I could just publish all the photos in one blog entry, but I figured I could pad the old post count a bit and keep things rolling all week.

So, the first entry features a 1-2 punch of the beige Polaroid 620 Amigo and Polaroid Onestep Flash with the side rainbow stripe (AKA the Polaroid Rainbow 600).

Damn, Polaroid made a lot of cameras.

Best promo item EVER

Are you kidding me? It's is one of those squeezy foam promo items. Those are pretty cool. And it is for the 2004 movie Seed of Chucky (co-starring Redman with a cameo from John Waters). That's even cooler. And it is of a giant sperm. Now that is really cool. But wait, it gets even better.

Yup. On the flip side it says "Coming Everywhere." Oh, man. That is just so awesome. I can't believe this movie didn't make more money than Titanic and Star Wars combined with promotions like this. A little online searching revealed another great Seed of Chucky promo:

Seed of Chucky promo condoms. With the tagline "Get a Load of Chucky". Not bad, but I'll keep my giant "Coming Everywhere" sperm, thank you very much.

Quisp

From the Quaker Oats website:

"In 1965, Quisp landed on Earth with his Quazy Energy Cereal – and the world's been a better place ever since, especially during breakfast. The saucer-shaped, crunchy corn cereal has delighted kids and adults everywhere. Bring Quisp to your house and home planet today. The crispy flavor is out of this world."

Welp, now the Junk Store is a better place because somebody just donated two empty boxes of Quisp. Only a nerd like me would even know what Quisp is and get all excited over a box a collapsed box of cereal. 

Now, if only somebody would donate a box of Quake cereal, then we could get this party started. If you really wanna get crazy, donate a box of Quangaroos. Whoa.

Pufnstuf vs. Shuvnstuf

When this HR Pufnstuf action figure came in, all I could think of is what might happen if this were to be purchased by the customer we know as HR Shuvnstuf. We call him this because he basically just cuts the line at the register, shoves a couple of dollars at you real quick, and takes off. This is actually a great haggling technique and a good way to avoid paying sales tax. Just cut a long line of customers like you are in a big hurry (although you've been browsing in the Junk Store for two hours), then say, "Here's five bucks for this stuff", then shove the cash at the clerk and stuff your ass out the door. Never fails.

Domino, motherfucker!

Dragon Dominoes through the ages:

The packaging sure has gotten drab since the psychedelic dragon days. Thanks, Milton Bradley.
and here is an image another cool old one I found online:

Get Belted with the PowerBelt!

As promised, today we will take a closer look at that amazing belt Hans was wearing in the last blog... it's the Powerbelt.

There it is. While it was clear at a glance that this was some sort of gimmicky exercise product, the Jammer and I fumbled with it for hours before just giving up and strapping it onto Hans. After some extensive internet research, I now realize that Hans is wearing his Powerbelt backwards. Your supposed to have those gizmos in the back, and then you grab the handles and pull the resistance ripcords while you run like cranked-up marionette. 

My internet research was further complicated by the fact that "powerbelt" is also a type of firearm ammunition.

You can get all kinds of Powerbelt info, testimonials, videos, and your chance to win your own Powerbelt at the official website here: Maximum Walking Fitness. 

The many faces of Hans

So I walk into work one morning, head to the sorting area, and nearly shit my pants when I turn on the lights to see this guy all up in my face...

Actually, he was holding one of those realistic looking water pistols. Well, after our shocking introduction, I came to be pretty good friends with this life-sized pillowy mannequin that I named Hans (although he goes by many other nicknames).

Hans is always willing (or unable to prevent) to be dressed up and accessorized with anything we're able to pluck from the donation heap. Here he is in an outfit I like to call "Busking-Patriotic-Frankenstein". Notice the leather chaps and the power-belt. More on the power-belt coming soon.

Hans gets some painting done with his fruit-picker. Always looking dapper in his fancy hat and festive birdman mask.

Getting folksy. I'm just now noticing that Hans is still rocking that green shirt.

Hans' latest incarnation is that of Darth Pantsless. Stay tuned right here at Tales From the Junk Store for more fashion updates. 

Flog Blog part 2

These kinds of donations are becoming way too common.  Way    too    common.

Give 'em a hand

Lots of good hands coming in these days.

I call this one "Grabby".

Hand-bottles, not bottle-hands.

Some vain young artist made wax castings of themselves.  Come to think of it, there have been lots of other mannequin hands and that kind of stuff that I didn't get pictures of. I'll have to keep track of those. 

Headaches

Sure, I've heard of Milton Bradley's Trouble board game, with the patented Pop-O-Matci dice bubble, but I've never heard of Headache. And here we have two different versions! Amazing. Basically, Headache is the exact same game a Trouble (which is basically just Parcheesi), but looks a little more exotic. Read all about the game "Headache" here.

I just love different version of the same thing. That is basically what Junk Pirate (and collecting in general) is all about... different versions of the same thing. 

Bow to your Sensei!

Here we have a nice looking "holographic" photo postcard of Jesus standing in a rose garden.

Take a closer look, and I could swear that Jesus is that guy who was Rex Kwon Do in Napoleon Dynamite, Diedrich Bader. Here is the best I could do getting a close-up image of Jesus (the texture on the card gave me problems) and then an image of Bader (as Lawrence in Office Space) that I got off the 'net: 

Yup. No doubt about it. Now let's all celebrate with this awesome clip of Rex Kwon Do:

Happy Dippy Drinking Bobby Sippy Tippy Peace Birds

Just an all-time Junk Store classic: the "Drinking Bird" has been donated a few times in my tenure, and this time we are fortunate enough to have gotten two different styles within a few days of each other. A vintage, orange "Peace Bird" on the left and the classic top-hat, red-liquid "Drinking Happy Bird" on the right.

These things go by many, many names, but they all look pretty similar and operate on the same principles of heat escaping through evaporation on the wetted felt head, or something like that. You can read all about the thrilling physics behinds this novelty here. 

The drinking bird was invented by Miles V. Sullivan in 1945 and patented in 1946. He was a Ph.D. inventor-scientist at Bell Labs in Murray Hill, NJ. 

My favorite part of is definitely the packaging on the Peace Bird. "Absolutely Incombustible".

I'll leave you all with this video I found:

Barbed from Back in the Day

Vintage barbed wire? Shabby chic? Why not?

D Y M O

A collection that seems to come around time and again, but can never really get beyond half a white box or so before they get sold off, is that of the labelmaker. Specifically, that of the Dymo brand labelmaker, although I'm not adverse to throwing a generic one in there should the opportunity arise.

I'm not talking about some fancy-ass Brother P-Touch with a keyboard and all that; I'm talking about the kind with the twisty letter wheel that embosses the words upwards on adhesive tape. Yeah, dog! I'll label the shit out of everything in the room with one of these. 

Look at this monster. Having this heavy duty steel labelmaker in my hand gives me the confidence to label things that have no business being labeled, like the telephone or water cooler.

You wanna kick it up to the next level? Well feast on this: somebody completes the ultimate circle of labelmaking by donated a labelmaker that has been labeled as a labelmaker! Brilliant! The above photo is one of my Junk Pirate favorites of the last few months.  
Holy crap, is the final "R" on that label backwards?!? Amazing

More Balls

Back (in a jar) by popular demand, the ever-growing ever-bouncing rubber ball collection. Keep 'em coming...

More balls from a previous post here.

Bring Home the Bacon

A "Boys and Girls Love Jewels" brand bacon keychain. From the "Love Collection". 

27 different cell phones

What I really want is some of those giant old cell phones from back in the day.

Now take it easy, Riggs!