Junk Store People: Fear the Beard

You are in for a special treat. 

Thus far, I've kept most of my posts strictly about the donations. Sure, occasionally I snap a pic of the Heap or a particularly inspired store display, and I might even drop a coded reference to a co-worker, boss, or even customer. But for the most part, I keep it about the junk. 

Not today.

You see, long before the Tales From The Junk Store blog, the Jammer and I used to take pictures of all the weirdo customers. Just as a visual document to be used in identifying one of these whackos in the likely event that they flipped out and burned the store down after being charged $1.35 for an action figure.

Despite the fact that these Junk Store customer photos are amazing and more interesting than any of the crazy items I usually post, I've hesitated to publish them. Welp, today I'm dropping these two bearded gentlemen for two reasons. 1) I've mastered photoshop to the point where I can cover their eyes, thus perfectly concealing their identities. 2) I'm pretty sure both these guys are dead by this point, probably from choking on their beards.

I also want to express that these two guys used to come into the Junk Store every day. And they always wore the same clothes. The guy on top used to purchase one item for under a dollar, complain about the price, demand a bag and a receipt, and then walk away into who knows where. Every day. 

The second dude was far more annoying, spending most of our work day chatting away with us, even though we tried to ignore him and help other customers. This isn't really abnormal behavior, except that most of his conversations were about Barbie. Yes, Barbie, the toy doll. Every day.

So here you go. May their beards rest in peace.

Commie Space Dog: "Starlet"

Philatelists - while this word definitely sounds like a scientific term for some specific sexually deviant behavior, it is basically just the nerdiest possible way to say "stamp collector". More accurately, it is "someone who studies stamps", which I'm sure that someone out there has also managed to turn into a sexually deviant behavior.

While you think about that, check out this awesome Russian stamp celebrating a dog they shot into space back in the 60s.

The Junk Pirate research team took one glance at this stamps and immediately launched this rocket of wisdom:
This dog is Zvyozdochka (pronounced Zvezdochka, Звёздочка, or "Starlet"), who was named by Yuri Gagarin. He made one orbit on board Korabl-Sputnik 5 on March 25, 1961 with a wooden cosmonaut dummy in the final practice flight before Gagarin's historic flight on April 12. The dummy was ejected out of the capsule while Zvezdochka remained inside. Both were recovered successfully.

Drug Magnetism

Zithromax... Redux... Medipren... Galan... Lodine... Ortho Tri-Cyclen... and my current favorite, K-Dur 20.

We love magnets, we love pharmaceuticals, we love promotional items. Ta-daa.

Amish Party Flag

Now you can publicly commemorate your thrill-a-minute adventure through the heart of the Pennsylvania Dutch wasteland without the mind numbing boredom that would result from an actual visit to the Amish country.

Tony's Birthday Surprise

Remember back in the day when dozens of life-sized male stripper cardboard displays were donated, and we put a few up in the display windows in the front of the store, and some lady came in and said that the beefcake coming out of the box was actually a co-worker of hers named Tony and he was really ashamed of his lascivious past and could we please destroy those before he sees them, and then we put them all up on display?

Ahhh, Junk Store memories. 

A side note: All the posts that are labeled "junk pirate archives" contain photos taken for a free-hosted website about the junk store that the Jammer and I made before blogs even existed. This is why these photos are usually very small. You may be too young to remember, but way back when, some folks didn't have the modem power to load large photos. Things sure have changed. Only the mountains of garbage being donated every day is as it was. 

Meanwhile...

I've been out there sorting awesome donations like vintage beepers, Jack Chick comics, Garfield board games, old Macintosh computers, skeleton toys with both eyes on one side of their heads, and vintage Wizard electronic games in their original packaging. 

What've you been doing? Sitting on the computer looking at some pathetic blog?   Loser.

Follow me @thejunkpirate on Instagram.

Post # 400!

According to mathematics, this is the 400th post on the Tales from the Junk Store blog!
So if you haven't already done so, please take a moment to check out the Donation Hall of Fame. It's a whole separate page with the very best, and worst, of the past decade's worth of junk store donations.

And what's coming down the aisle for Junk Pirate in the near and distant future?
Aside from more junk, there should be a brand new issue of Junk Pirate zine that you can touch and hold. That's about it. I have no other plans.

So keep donating all your possessions to your local thrift store. Keep checking back right here for more awesomeness and awfulness. Keep commenting (or start commenting), cause without feedback I get really depressed and feel like I'm wasting my life with all this (even more so than usual).

4 more years

With a lack of patriotic donations that borders on treasonous, I'm left no choice but to bust out this classy example of dignified respect for our president.

"This is the same donation you posted on President's Day!" is what you might be thinking. Those kinds of thoughts make you an idiot and potentially a communist. 

Above is a photo of the Chia Obama "Happy" version that was recently donated (just look at how happy he is). Earlier this year I posted the "Determined: Chia Obama, as seen below. 

Huge difference.

Two Fathoms

I was tossing a bunch of grade school book reports into the trash the other day when I noticed this illustrated cover on one of them. Can you guess who it is?

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It's Mark Twain, you idiot.

Now, if you really think you are smart, try to decipher the title of this blog post.
The first person to leave a comment correctly explaining it wins a free issue of Junk Pirate zine (if I can figure out how to get your address to mail it to)!

Loomy

Amazing Magazine Cover

This Amazing Stories magazine is older than you (unless you are amazingly old).

Check out that cover art with some insectoid-alien firing a lazer at a dinosaur. That is the most sci-fi thing I've ever seen in my life!

And I'll just assume that the stories inside are amazing.

You know what else was amazing about this magazine, the funky odor it emits. 

Michael Bolton Commands You!

Classic Sign O' The Times from the Junk Store Archives:

Kustom Kombo Amp

I don't know if everybody has given up on electric guitar and moved onto clarinet or some other woodwind but we have been seeing a massive influx of working and semi-working practice combo amps coming into the Junk Store these days. One or more every week. I'm so jaded by all these amps I don't even bother to take pictures of them anymore.

But this padded Kustom with a 8" speaker just had to be documented.

40 years of Slinking had led to this moment.

We've seen plenty of plastic rainbow springs and even a few gold plated executive puzzles, but nothing could prepare us for the grandeur of the 40th Anniversary Edition Slinky.

Manneken Piss - drink it up

Let's all raise our goblets in a toast to liquor dispensers that simulate a young boy urinating into our glasses.
That's right, you're drinking a Belgian boy's piss and loving every minute of it.

Do you want to learn more about why the citizens of Brussels celebrate this? Yes, you do.

Sprout

An updated, yet already long outdated, view of the "office" shelf back in the sorting dungeon of the Junk Store. We got a new lava lamp, a real living plant (which has since died), and a phone featuring the Jolly Green Giant's offspring (or whatever he is supposed to be), Sprout.

From the corporate website: The Sprout character was introduced in Green Giant® advertising in 1973. He is an apprentice to the Green Giant® who helps the Giant tend the vegetables in his valley. Curious and enthusiastic, Sprout represents the voice of the consumer and learns from the Giant’s wisdom.

Sorting Shark

If you can find a better piece of Junk Store art featuring a colorful and anatomically improbably shark illustration, perhaps from a deflated helium balloon, you go ahead and buy it.

Gifts of the Spirit

Dummy

There was a real narrative arc to this recent book donation...

Pyrotechnics

This is about the extent of the fireworks donations over the past few years. 

Someone had better donate some serious explosive before Independence Day draws near or I'll be forced to descend into the black market to get my fix.

Word Processing Power

A couple of sweet old typewriters we've recently sorted. Both working!

"Do you have styrofoam balls?"

Yeah, Lady, I got your styrofoam balls right here...

It's Only A Flesh Wound

Excellent Black Knight clay wheeler. Only three wheels, tho. 

None shall pass.

Flower Egg Cutter Deluxe

I really love this packaging. They are so far advanced in Japan.
I wonder how well the Flower Egg Cutter Deluxe would work on Square Eggs?

XBox vs. PS2: The Race for Obsolescence

The battle for what will be the best gaming system of 2002 continues indefinitely at the Junk Store. XBox vs. Sony Playstation 2. 

Which system is donated the most? Which sells for more and how often? How many works hours will be wasted on either system, and what are the consequences? 

That's what were here to find out.

Also, we sort junk.

Classics: The Old Comb and Stab

Just chilling here combing my hair all innocent-like and suddenly...

STAB STAB Plastic STAB!


A modern follow up to this Junk Pirate classic... the old "Measure and Stab":

Cursive

Cursive Dymo Labelmaker.

You want it but you can't have it.

Reminds me of the cursive typewriter (which was subsequently possessed by the Jammer, whom proceeded to get gum stuck in the rollers).

At The Love-In

Authentic "60's Love Beads"

Bad Monkeys!

Honey Bears

I'm always scanning the incoming donation boxes, bags, bins, store shelves, and random piles of junk looking for a new plastic squeezable honey bear for this collection. Then I just while away the hours checking out all the variations in fur patterns, facial expressions, paw placement, dispenser tops, labels,  opacity, and size.

Then I make a display box fine art piece like this:

click to see large image

Strangely enough, I keep my personal honey stash in a plain glass jar.

Damn This Heap!

Sort one box and two take its place!

I hate to complain that folks are giving us too much stuff, but these days I'm barely keeping my head above water.